Welcome one and all to the first online presentation of "Radio Noir"
The brainchild of emminent writer and radio star Ian Ton

(Ahemmm -- seeing as i currently have no audio capabilities, I am presenting this piece of literature to you in it's written form. So you'll just have to use your imagination to make the voices and noises. Deal with it!)


"Radio Noir"

a Clashing Black audio production
in conjunction with Goth Mafia

script by Ian Ton

Radio Noir Field Guide (left to right):
Andrew (Sampoerna Extra), Robert (Djarum Black), Dig (Djarum Splash),
(Sampoerna Extra - borrowed), Monica (Sampoerna International)

page 1, 2 ,3, 4, 5, 6

__Scene I: Clove Break__

[Sounds of an office, typing, phones, etc]

Alice: Forget that it's the day before Halloween and I don't have a costume. Forget that it won't be payday until the holiday is gone. It's just another day. It's just another day...

Co-worker (monotone, robotic voice): Good morning, Alice.

Alice (chipper): Oh, hiii! Good morning, faceless co-worker!

Co-worker: You seem cheerful this morning, Alice.

Alice: I'm sorry. I'll try to do better.

Co-worker: Ha. Ha. Ha. We are always amused by your dead-pan comebacks here in the office.

Alice: I've told you before, there *is no* coming back.

Co-worker: Ha. Ha. Ha. Have you decided what you're going to be for the office Halloween party?

Alice: I haven't decided what I want to be in real *life* yet.

Co-worker: Perhaps you could just wear all black like you usually do and tell people you're a mortician. Ha. Ha--

Alice: --ha! Yes! Great idea! [sound of chair being pushed back] I think I'm going to take a cigarette break now.

Co-worker: But Alice, don't you remember? In order to live longer, you gave up smoking.

Alice: Oh, I remember giving up smoking; I just don't remember why I wanted to live longer.

Co-worker: Ha. Ha. Ha. See what I mean? We're all quite amu--

Alice: Yes, hahaha. Would you mind watching my desk for me?

[Sound of door opening and closing, feet walking quickly down linoleum hallway, another door opening and closing, then background street noises]

Alice (rummaging through handbag): Let's see, what have I got that I can clench in my teeth and light on fire... Dammit, looks like I'm going to have to beg. Is there anybody here who... Hey, you! You in the black!

Andrew (distant): Who, me?

Alice: Yes, you, in the black trenchcoat with the black boots and black jeans and the pasty pale face wreathed in a cloud of smoke. Don't just stand there, you're sucking in all the light on that corner.

Andrew (now close): Can I help you?

Alice: What are you smoking, and can I have one?

Andrew: They're cloves, and yes you may.

Alice: Cloves? Where have I heard of those before...

[sound of a lighter, then puffing]

Alice: Ack! Oh yeah, cloven, as in to cut something in half, like one's lungs.

Andrew: Still, they're healthier than regular cigarettes.

Alice (coughing): How do you figure that?

Andrew: Regular cigarettes, a person can smoke a pack or so a day. Do that with cloves, and you'll drop dead. So, you smoke fewer cloves than you would cigarettes. Smoking less is better for you, ergo, cloves are healthier.

Alice: With reasoning skills like that, you could be on the psychic hotline.

Andrew: Close, actually. I'm in telemarketing.

Alice (with sincere pity): Oh... I'm so sorry.

Andrew: Not at all. It pays the rent, and it confirms my disappointment in humanity.

Alice: This is beginning to sound familiar. Maybe you can provide an answer for me-- if you dress in black everyday, what do you do for Halloween?

Andrew: You still wear black, but you point out to everybody that not only is your ensemble more tightly planned, but you were doing it before it was the cool thing to do.

Alice: Kind of sullen and elitist, isn't it?

Andrew: Well, a lot of stage blood and fetish gear could demonstrate a sense of humor about the whole thing.

Alice: Hmm... on me, or them?

Andrew: What?

Alice: Would the stage blood and fetish gear be on me, or on them?

Andrew: Who's "them"?

Alice: The "them" towards whom I'm being elitist and sullen.

Andrew: Which of you is trying to be humorous?

Alice: Which of me?

Andrew: Are you a witch?

Alice: Wait! Wait a moment... this clove is beginning to make my head spin.

Andrew: If you can make it do a 360, I'll give you the whole pack.

Alice: Not during this cigarette break, I can't. How about the next one?

Andrew: How about after work?

Alice: What?

Andrew: After work I'm meeting some friends of mine at the bar across the street. Why don't you join us? I'll give you more cloves, we can discuss Halloween costumes...

Alice: You know, I'm only going to say yes because we're pretty much dressed alike.

Andrew: Works for me.

Alice: Alright then. I'll see you there.

Andrew: Andrew.

Alice: Yes, and me.

Andrew: No, A-n-d-r-e-w. I'm Andrew.

Alice: Ah. I'm Alice.

Andrew: See you there, Alice.

[Sounds of Andrew walking away, Alice opening and closing door. Street sounds fade away.]

Alice: My god. Did I just get picked up?
Scene 2